Do You See The Wild Coming Your Way?
In 2010, Moira had moved to Ireland with me, leaving so much behind and facing into the great unknown. As we were settling in, she often stayed up long after I had gone to bed, working through her thoughts and feelings, about our future and about her past. She would sit in our tiny apartment, in the middle of a recession-sick Dublin City, singing these tiny, improvised and truly raw, fragile pieces into her laptop, whilst the world moved, fought and danced outside.
I was aware of one or two of these, as she had sent them to me at the time, with my typical response being, ‘these sound good, but you should work on them some more!’, much to her irritation. When she passed in 2016, I thought of these recordings again, and I went looking for them. What I then found was a folder within a folder on her computer, that led to the discovery of nearly 100 recordings, that I did not know existed.
Initially, it was completely overwhelming as I began to wade through the recordings, picking out the pieces that spoke to me, in some way or another. I felt an urgency to do something with these voice recordings both as a way to honour Moira and her largely unseen and unheard body of work, and also as a way to hack through the dense field of grief. I also felt at the same time, that I had been given a gift. I am not a singer n’or a lyricist, so I valued these words hugely.
With two dozen or so songs, snippets and scraps collected, I began to add accompaniment to her voice, playing as though she was in the room with me, singing these songs, embracing her completely improvised, honest and pure spirit. Her voice is unchanged. Her timing and pitch is strange at times. I know that she wasn’t setting out to write ‘songs’, but the freedom of expression in her thoughts and emotions was incredibly musical. It is quite strange now to listen to the pieces in their original raw form, with no musical accompaniment, but in a way, I feel like what I played, is what she was hearing. There was also a strong sense in these recordings, alongside much of her writing, that she knew they would be set free at some point. They were seeds sewn, to slowly grow. Setting them free was a deeply cathartic experience.
This collection is called, ‘Do You See The Wild Coming Your Way?’, a question that Moira asked me during a very early email exchange between us. What seemed a whimsical comment at the time, now has a much greater weight and I think the title fits so well.
Looking back on this album as I get ready to release it on vinyl in late 2019, I hear something really interesting in her words and voice. Again, whilst she was improvising and allowing vulnerability to flow, and not writing ‘songs’, I can feel a sense of inspiration from certain musicians and writers that she loved, particularly those who wrote about darkness and existential absurdity, whether the world’s or their own, such as Jason Molina or David Berman.
Some of these songs are about me, I guess, but I want to turn her sentiment outward, making it more universal. This is why I added the ramshackle choir to, ‘Kind and Handsome’ for example. I considered including lyrics for the songs too, but ultimately, I want people to hear them as they hear them and interpret them as they wish, though it is hard not to be overwhelmed in certain moments, at how profound or apt some of the words have now become, in particular the last line of the album, which gives me goosebumps every time I hear it.
I could probably compile a second volume of these recordings, but in truth a lot of the other work is possibly too raw, too personal. I might revisit it at a later point.
There is one piece which I could not fit on the record, that exists online in digital versions. It is called, ‘Jeez Loueez’. It is Moira at her most raw. It is hard to listen to, but I think important to hear. She is baring all. I think she longed for everyone to hear her say those words, that ultimately she reflected and focused on in her work.
I could not have done this without certain incredible works that come from the experience of grief, in particular, the unique, ‘A Crow Looked At Me’ by one of my favourite artists, Phil Elverum. His collection of songs was hugely important for me. It released the spectre of grief to a certain degree and his work enabled me to cry deeply and openly and from that came a profound perspective and uplift. Similarly, Nick Cave And The Bad Seed’s record, ‘The Skeleton Tree’, was a moving, intense experience to see live. And again, a uniquely uplifting feeling came from that album. In some ways, this album forms a triptych with those two recordsings, at least for me.
I am so proud that it exists. I can’t imagine it not existing. I will forever feel sadness that we found it difficult to collaborate in her lifetime. I wish she could hear this. I think she would really love it. I know she would. I love it. This is her record, not mine. When a group of friends met to listen to the album on her birthday last year, I fully realised the value in sharing in this experience and the solace in a collective grief. When I sat in a room with a few hundred people in Brooklyn, watching Phil Elverum perform his songs about real death, people wept openly, for their own grief, for his grief, or for reasons unknown. It was a powerful moment, heavy in a way I can’t describe. The next day I felt a lightness, an awareness and a peace that I also can not describe.
I know this is a difficult thing to listen to, but I want to share that feeling.
I thank you sincerely for listening, for singing along.
Gareth
August 2019
Album is available for purchase at https://moirabradyaverillandtheeternal.bandcamp.com/album/do-you-see-the-wild-coming-your-way
DONATIONS: You can donate towards costs of the project, and also the Spirit Of Wit Moira Brady Averill award, via PAYPAL to info@garethaverill.com or via the bandcamp page above.
NOTE shipping in Ireland or local pick up only, until a few things are sorted out! International shipping coming soon. Thanks!
‘Kind And Handsome’.
‘Kind And Handsome’ stuck out to me the most. It’s obviously about me. A love song if you will. A love song, sang by this tiny voice. For some reason I had the urge to take this song and turn it outward, to make it for everyone. And I had the idea of welcoming loved-ones to add their voices to a ramshackle choir, singing with her, from one dimension to another.
Thank you for listening.
In the choir: Maeve, Derya, Kate, Ailbhe, Bryan, Emma, Marc, Kelly, Sarah, Rachit, Seán, Amy, Polly, Fin, Nancy, Alma, Alice.
I have time between now and the full release to add more voices, if anyone would like to join.
Additional cello by Alma.
Time flows like sand, but we inch forward, drip by drip.
I have now compiled, arranged and mixed the full collection of Moira's recordings and today want to share another track from, 'Do You See The Wild Coming Your Way?'.
This piece will close out the collection, and is entitled, 'Banner Year'.
I want you to know that this is not an easy listen, but I feel like making it to the other side is a profound and uplifting experience. I really don't want you to be afraid. Moira's closing words ring out, pull me in and let me know that everything is going to be okay, and that she is okay. She floats away, but she takes us with her.
I would suggest putting some headphones on, maybe taking a walk, or sitting somewhere comfortable.
As before, it was totally improvised and once-off. I have tried to transcribe the lyrics as best possible, but have a few bits I can't quite decipher. Maybe you could help?
Coming soon, will be one more track, before the full release, on cassette tape, online etc, with accompanying artwork by Isadora Epstein & Lorna Hayden, amongst others. Lorna provided the beautiful painting in this video.
Thank you.
All my love,
Gareth x
BANNER YEAR
Recorded 16/10/10 at 03.30am
Banner year what brought you here, why did you go so quickly?
Buy two things that daily do distract me from your witty
Remarks and phrases and sharks and phases
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Banner year a troubled stew, a sickness and a wellness
A frayed ceremony thats steeped in this stolen cemetery
I won’t bury, I love you any way, see you later, and later
And later in my dreams.
Banner year what brought you here, how did you come to think of?
Coming to and passing by, without a thought, of who and why.
Time, time, time, oh its time. Its time.
What are you going to do? Disappear, incompletely.
Have a sense of what your worth is. Have a sense of what your comfort is.
??????? in our mouth,
Holy Hell this wrecking place will be a place where I will dwell
And I will live here whether or ????
No one is faced with this saltine, a floor in a kitchen spells a lot more, a lot more, a lot more, a lot more.
Bleach and a constant of seeking in contratulatory, amoré, amoré.
I won’t bury, I love you anyway.
See you later, and later, and later in my dreams.
See you later, and later, and goodbye and good night and goodbye and I miss you.
From the forthcoming posthumous collaboration, 'Do You See The Wild Coming Your Way?'
Words and Voice by Moira Brady Averill(1983 - 2016)
Music by Gareth Anton Averill.
Additional Strings by Ailbhe Nic Oireachtaigh.
HUSBAND
24/02/12 - 04.02am
Heaven holds a place for those who pray for those who stay for those who whisper
And I have no idea what its like to do any of those things so I’ll ask your clemency
But when I wish for your embrace I hope that you’ll save a place
For when Im good and when Im not mad
And when I should and when Im sort of sad, in a way that suits you,
In a way that suits you.
Have faith that it will get better
I have to try and I’ll a wear a sweater that says ‘get better’
But I won’t do so without your clemency
And I’ll never be happy, unless you’re happy.
Have a
Take on
This vibration
I’ll keep
Talking
When you’re
Walking
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
But I am incomplete
And I know that you will try and meet me where
I need meeting, but I’m here, there.
Are you not, in a place, worth greeting?
www.moirabradyaverill.com